Body Image Issues

Body Image Issues.

I've been thinking about this today after something triggered me last night. It is interesting to me to witness the new "love your body no matter what" or "real beauty" campaign. I am fascinated to see what future generations will inherit from this pro-individuality beauty campaign. I however, I am still suffering from the backlash of the 80's rockstar suicide chic image and the 90's "heroine chic" skeleton thin imagery that we were told at that age was what we were to aspire to. I grew up in an era that was unforgiving of big butts and boobs. If you didn't look a certain way you were never suppose to take pictures to share with the world.

I was raised by a mother at, when I was 13, she put me on diet pills because I was considered "chubby" next to my ultra skinny friends. Who was I to judge--she just wanted me to get the same treatment as my friends who weren't of a stocky, short, German-Welsh heritage. Since that time I have been put into the hospital a couple of times because of anorexia and stress (ages 22 and 26). I have struggled with the scale, throwing it away and bringing it back into my home to watch me get a calendar and weigh myself obsessively and mark every number on the day of the calendar like it was a judgement I needed to wake up to every morning.

Now that I am in my 30's my body is changing. I have boobs and a butt Kim Kardashian would be envious of. I have curves I don't know what to do with because I have been taught my whole life to starve them away. And what it has left me with is a feeling of a loss of identity. I wasn't raised with the "embrace your curves" mentality. I was raised in the worst body images EVER, in my opinions. The ones of starvation and diet pills and bulimia and aneorexia. I was raised thinking if I wasn't the prettiest girl in the room, but I could be the thinnest. Sick. Really sick. And I don't have anyone really to blame for it. I can't blame my mother, as she was the product of her own torment. I can't blame society, as it was the product of the media. I just wonder now if it will ever go away.

I know men are effected by this too but I know that women are more effected by this than men. I don't know what the solution is. I want to believe in the new "love yourself, no matter what you look like" campaign... But the stigmas are still there. People still judge. It is only human. A skinny person will look at a fat person and, whether or not they are cognisant of it, a list of judgements will go through their heads. Vice versa, the same when a "plush" person meets an super skinney person. I am not fat. I am just dealing with some boobs and butt I never had before, but last night someone told me that I needed to eat less and work out more. Just when I was starting to accept my new curves.

You've all seen my pics. Those are UN-Photoshopped with exception to just the lighting curves. I don't make myself thinner or bustier for your approval. So how was that supposed to make me feel. I should have schooled her. I should have read her up one side and down the other. But I didn't. I just accepted the criticism or "instruction" and smiled awkwardly.

I guess I am venting. I guess I am trying to find myself in all of this? I know I'm not a size 1 anymore. And I am trying to be the beautiful booty-licious woman that seems popular today. But I keep being blindsided by people that seem to base a lot of value on physical appearances.

Reminder: I've painted hundreds of paintings. Written for dozens of publications. Written, to date, 11 novels. Been crowned Vampire Royalty of New Orleans, interviewed celebrities like Ryan Reynolds, and had adventures most people only fantasize about.

So the size of my ass should not be a factor in my self worth... So why is it still?

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